Mock Man Press

Okay, just got to add a few more zombies… just a few more…

NEXT UPDATE: Friday!

For the Map of Zombies, ideas trump execution. The Map lists zombie sources without prejudice to quality or lack thereof. I wanted to list stories that did interesting things with the concepts of zombies, or were important to the development of the idea of zombies.

But of course I have my opinions about everything listed there. In most cases, if I really hated something, I just didn’t give it a text description. (OTOH, there are some things I didn’t personally like that have text descriptions because they’re just so weird & notable, my opinion aside.) There are a VERY few things intentionally kept off because they were bad AND I discovered them really late in the process (like “Infected”, that awful movie on Netflix, or “Hellgate”, which is more like a ghost movie anyway). On that note, what are the worst zombie movies I watched while working on “The Map of Zombies” (or before, throughout my life)? No, it’s not “Zombie Lake” or even “Oasis of the Zombies”… you thought THOSE were bad? Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!!!…

* Beast Within/Virus Undead: One of the many “Netflix awfuls.” It’s not so far in premise from “The Rage,” a movie which is also completely idiotic, but at least knows it and is sort of fun and full of over-the-top gore effects. OTOH, “Virus Undead” takes its idiotic plot completely seriously (except perhaps for the inevitable line in the cop’s dialogue when he talks about donuts — OH HOW HILARIOUS). Also, the makeup is bad, the zombies are unthreatening, and the actors are unable to hide their strong Germanic/Eastern European accents, despite the fact that they’re supposed to be playing Americans. Get a bunch of people from different parts of the world to come together in cooperation to make something completely lame, and you have this movie.
* Zombie Hunter: In contrast to the totally-straightfaced drama of “Virus Undead,” “Zombie Hunter” tries to be self-aware and ironic and hipster-y (in that always-so-appealing “we don’t give a shit about this plot, why should you?” way), with its “bullet time” and bright pink blood and titles announcing the characters’ names. It’s better than “Virus Undead,” but for just general lack of originality and lack of reason to make me care (not to mention shamelessly exploiting Danny Trejo’s face on the poster, like “Rise of the Zombies”, even though he isn’t even the titular Zombie Hunter) it still ends up being even worse than Uwe Boll’s “Zombie Massacre”.
* Frozen Scream: The most laughably amateurish movie I can imagine. I just feel sorry for everyone involved with it. The editing and shooting is so bad that the voice-over intrudes and cuts between scenes while characters are talking, cutting them off mid-sentence. I love the moment when the narrator/voice-over, a hard-boiled P.I., says “This is some bad acting!” He’s referring to one of the characters within the movie but… …. do you get it?… can this not have been intentional? Some sabotage by someone involved?
* Alien Dead: OK, maybe this one is even worse than “Frozen Scream.” Nominally the plot involves a meteor landing in a swamp and turning the local rednecks into zombies, but it’s so poorly constructed it’s pretty pointless to speak of it as being a narrative. The best part of the movie is the boring title sequence when the titles play as some murky swamp water coalesces into a red and blue-ish starry galactic backdrop, or something. If for some reason you watch this, stop after the opening credits, trust me. It’s set in the South, and every character in this movie is an idiotic caricature of a Southern hillbilly; the director has so much fun with this sub-“Li’l Abner” routine that he spends most of the running time on folks bein’ dumb and the zombies barely do anything until the end of the picture, when, even then, they don’t really do anything. Truly painful to watch and inspires furious anger towards the director.
* 13 Eerie: Just **** this movie. **** this movie and the people in charge of grooming its Wikipedia page, which makes it sound like it got great reviews. This movie is about what happens when you hire a couple of underpaid actors for the weekend in some shacks in the woods and two burly unthreatening guys poorly made-up as bald zombies show up. After its abrupt ending I was so mad I kicked my laptop across the room and had to buy a new one.
* Strippers vs. Zombies: This is a mockbuster of “Zombie Strippers,” a far superior film. First mull that over for a second. Anyway, the director sadly attempts to make some sort of junior-high-level social satire out of it, with the strip club owner being obsessed with the right-wing host of a crappy TV show, but the resulting product is tedious and unwatchable.
* Zombie 108: Actually, this isn’t nearly as bad as the other movies listed here. I’m just throwing it out there because it ornaments its zombie plot with a lengthy subplot involving a kidnapper/rapist. If you like 30 minutes of R-rated rape/torture scenes mixed with your bland, otherwise-lighthearted zombie action, go for it. If I wanted rape zombies, of course, I’d watch David Cronenberg’s classic & awesome “Shivers.”

There’s a few other movies that come close to this (for example, I ultimately left “The Dead Pit” off the Map because it was so dumb and, also, space considerations), but these ones stick out in my mind. But even though I hated ’em (with perhaps a bit of love for “Frozen Scream” like the way you love a photo of some drooling puppy), I’m glad I watched them all and got them on the poster.

NEXT UPDATE: Wednesday!

The posters are almost ready! I’m waiting for the phone call from the printer to tell me whether I’ll be able to pick them up tonight (as they initially promised), or whether they’re going to try to eke another day’s wait out of me, which I really hope isn’t the case. Fingers crossed!

NEXT UPDATE: Monday!

I’ve spent the week so far sending out posters for the Map of Zombies Kickstarter, and unfortunately I’m still not done; it’ll probably take ’till the end of Thursday. More news soon!

NEXT UPDATE: Friday!

At last!! I’ve sent out all the posters for the Map of Zombies Kickstarter, as well as all the poster orders up to 12 noon on Monday. The poster is now available in the store. The mailing having taken unexpectedly long, I’m going to try to wash the smell of packing tape off my hands. Then I’ll be sending out the updated PDF of the zombie map and all the other Kickstarter rewards.

Thanks to everyone who backed the poster! It’s only thanks to you that I was able to make the Map of Zombies a reality, and I’m super grateful to all of you. Here are the names of everyone who made it possible:

VIRAL HOSTS:
CodeMushroom LLC
Amber MacPherson
Ben Gittus-Nash
Alexander Marroquin
Alienjukebox

CYBER ZOMBIES:
Jordan Cottle
Peter
Jon Turner
Christopher Page
Andreas Rauch
Rachel Bray
lily mord
Kai Morgener
Celia Strickland

FAST ZOMBIES:
Brandon Thompson
sonja weber
Chase Rude
Lisa Kruse
PhoenixTerran
Stephen Perkins
Shafik Yaghmour
Alden Bell
Dennis Schmolk
Sean G
Nemexis
Tim Meakins
Tiff Hudson
DebraS
Zombie Pug
Gary Henson
Sean Wolfe
Michael Reith
Christian Miranda
Mason Petrie
Jared Walske
K. Stephens
William Schlote
Phillip Ambas
combatcow
Aries J. Galin
Keiron Waites
woelrutie
Glenn Urquhart
Joyce & Gershom Thompson

SLOW ZOMBIES:
Olvegg
Benjamin Ruane
Thomas McCarthy
Jason Polensky
Shean Mohammed
kirk
w
Michele Uryniak
Jenny Rowland
Ami M Scott
Christian Schwinden
Raymond Woolcott
Caroline Hammer
Danica Parry
Sara Clugage
José Ángel Lara
anthony tran
Elizabeth Bate
Dean Klemick
Steven Hoveke
Amanda LaFritz
adrienne
Jen Vaughn
Steven Shaw
Nicholas Martindale
Lewis Evans
David P. Bander
Morgan Lake
Max Haskvitz
Herdegen
Nicolaj ‘Chico’ Klitbo
Jason Koresko
Mattias Rundberg
Serena Calderisi
John Clarkson
Stephanie Franklin
Bryce Manso
Heather
Andrew Tanner
Elwin Varkevisser
Tyler Anthony Edwards
Jim Thompson
Shaan Braun
John T. Zeiler
DailyTatTwo
Thijs Kaars
David Jayanathan
Yousef Ourabi
Jeff Lai
jglaefke
Shabir S
Dave Bagnall
Amberlin
Matt Strout
Brian Merrick
Felix Streichert
Luca Sanna
Edwin Dale Sanders
Conner
Bryan VanAlmkerk
Rachel Binfield
Jim Lesniak
Craig Swain
Paul Goodman
Lucinda Giordano
Katherine Sasser
Jochen Faber
Brian Simmons
James Spencer
Derric Johnson
Kevin Altman
Nathan Shugart
Jessica Nurack
Lori Mumpower
Marc Collins
Charles Martin
Michele Ann Jenkins
Kelly J. Baker
David Teichmiller
Stijn Van der Linden
Blaine Wasylkiw
Joshua May
Kei Salzer
wcotaku
Pam Taylor
cryarbro
Jonathan Thornton
Astra Thomas
jtoddles
Francesc Quilis
Mike Pagan
dan gard
Michael Yadanza
Loryn Garrison
Jennifer
Emmanuel
Drusilla Stranger
Thomas George Lareau
Keaven Freeman
Scott Thieman
Ryan Evans
jill
Mike Marshall
Serafina Shishkova
Andrew Alcock
Andrew DeCandis
Dominic Dichen
Kristin Bassuener
M.Jones
Pandaranda
Elise Levy
Kirsty Cooper
Richard Howe
Scott Altes
Audra B Morrison
N!c
Kari Dreyling
Jonathan Levine
Christopher Soule
willy yonkers
Steven Madeck
Rino Pelli
Michael Gordon
Aaron Ostman
John Field
Andrew Smith
Ryan Graham
Morgan Holland
Hassan Kazi
Bill Keaggy
Derrick Genova
Josh Orth
Tom
Dave Wrubel
Theodore Tarris
Kristin Claire
Justina Walford & John Wildman
Cynical Felidae
Melissa Ebbe
Cary Greene
Richard Baughman
Dan Masters
Zor
Andrew Blossom
Robin Robbins
Harold High
Nolan Wiebe
Joshua Lewis
Michael Huba
Scotia Waddell
Brian Walsworth
William Lebeda
Jason Yates
Brad Randle
Jared
Amanda Pierce
Andrew Clausen
Bryce Kolton
Thaddeus J. Kelly IV
Albert Ricciardelli
Rodney J Kelly
Zdenek Evilmind Krajícek
Rhel
Karen Scott
Chris UnKie
Sebastian Dietz
Nick & Justine
Thomas Olsson
Anne-Laure Lemaitre
Adam Bourne
Christine Pease
Claire Thompson
Kate Passman
Lisa Anderson
Rossanne Hamilton
Andrea Kasper
Thomas Gelzhäuser
Wendy Whipple
Tom Woods
joseph viveros
MM
Jackson Moore
Henning
Chris Jackson
Matt Metzger
Michael Kühnel
Pam Marshall
Nicky Bonar
Dane Burchett
Kyle Paulsen
Lewis Wilcock
Megan Pratscher
Michael Serge
Nicolas Tremblay
Brian Zimmerman
Michael Roche
Luke John Meaden
micah gehman
Christian Stein
Melinda Boatwright
Erin Fong
Seán Monaghan
Daisy Morrison
Carlysle R. Hamilton
Patrick Biesemans
Cori Martinelli
Greg Marche
Ryan MacMichael
Brian Adams
Delclaux-Hammon Emilie
Christian Gumbel
Jen Litton
hyperjinx
Dan Gilbert
Michael Lanewala
Robert ‘Nix’ Nixon
torroid
Steven DiStefano
Phillip Weber
John Clauder
Tajna Wesolowski
Blake Horridge
Amy Lindsey
Tammie Curtis
John Heluk
Natan Dotan
Ty Dusablon
Rhianna Pratchett
Cosmic Spanner
Matt Nixon
Dave Hochstein
Nicolas Bonnefoy
Sean McCusker
Simon Burn
Jennie Osborn
Davide Nardini
juergen reiner
Joel Rinaldi
Christopher Dickinson
Joe Mcclune
Kyle Knight
Jack
Luis Farzati
Daniel Albrecht
adrienne dafoe
Jenn Onderisin
Dara
James Colyer
Cory Hodge
Andrew Whelan
Sara Dougherty
Alex Miller
Sean Cozier
Eric Rodriguez
Megan Ward
Lea
David Summers
Richard Pronge
Brandon Smith
Tyler Tamburlin
Heather Law
Aaron
JD Vargas
Simon Graves
Amber Williams
Rob Kazakis Montgomery
Rebecca Newman
Rachel Dobbs
Jim Martin
Eric
Matthew Springall
Rick Volkmann
Evelyn Mayfield
Brock Towler
Kay Bac
Lauren Hartnett
Dominick Cancilla
dockvalentine
Patrick Sullivan
Ben Stein
Eric Reynolds
Rachel Knickmeyer
maureen favo
Chaz
Justin Rawlins
Katherine Lumb
Sheila Ruth (Imaginator Press)
Ian23
Tara Smith
Melissa Avery
Fanny Chen
Benjamin Paloff
Maureen Kolberg
Amy Wardell
blackwelll
kpaffenroth
Emily Griffin
Joe Hudson
JDP
Jörg Abderhalden
Gnometech
Daniel Kennedy
Matt Helmrick
Alexandra Yost
Gary Libby
Jason Obaob
Julian Hanhart
Rick Cannon
Joel Walder
Adrian Marangoni
Oliver Drobnik
Francesco Pongiluppi
Daniel
Jason McGee
Frank Lloyd
Kogepan
Nicolas Guion
Christy Harris
Hamish Bode
Kate Gehr
David Lagermann
John LaSala
Christoph Lindemann
Hanna Tsuhara
Nikolai
Mathias Berger
Robin Eduardo
Stacie Snoddon
Sam Barron
Stuart Tiffen
Mark U.
Ryan Gillaspie
estrus
Blair MacIntyre
Jon Henderson
Charlie Hecht
Patrick Neville
Esoba
Jaime
Leonora Hunt
Sebastian Rolf
Mats Udd
Jared Chase
Kimberley Brumbaugh
Josh Morton
Tori Rohach
Stephen Glasgow
Justin Rexroad
Imderekyup
Patrick Gray
Konstantin Delles
Jake Sepulveda
Monica
ryan horan
Robin Sizemore
Patrick Tran
artforhounds
trace
Meredith Yayanos
Orion Mitchell
Salty
Shad Bolling
galen lincoln
Gabriel Rosas
Spencer
gareth lloyd
Fredrik Nielsen
Peer Mindermann
Chris Holmes
Frank Raskow
Kathy Troy
Simon Marshall
H.A. Conrad
Lucas Lyon
Nancy Caciola
Andrew Connelly
Jeff Deutsch
Katherine Prendergast
Mike Garley
Steven Wilson
Trevor Patricelli
Edward Hinkle
Sean Biganski
Beth Reichenbach
Jeff Zahnen
ironman674
Atomico
Jeffrey Wimmer
Jessica Meigs
Unlit Vistas
clootens
Leo
Brendan Murphy
Kris K
Ryan Worsley
Dominic Usera
Tami DeFehr
Clay Forsberg
Eden Brandeis
Jon Neal
Bob Brill
Robert Ringo

I EAT YOUR SKIN (retroactively renamed “Gelatinous Skin” level — although don’t bother watching the zombie movie “I Eat Your Skin,” it’s terrible)
Jeff
Anne Ostrum Moursund
not!Player 1
Kathryn Andersen
Robert Coffey
C Hipke
Pamela Cunningham
Adrian A.
Davis Mitchell
elliot beter
Pamela S. Cunningham
David Bering-Porter
Edward upton
Jeffrey Powell
Ben Kaufman
Jessica Raymond
Jim Drake
Vasilios Fazos
Dave Hank
Nick Adams
Revlis
Glenn Williams
R Nie
Patrick Steinkuhl
Tira Palmquist
Avi Finkel
David Ruan
Antonio Varela
Mike Dartt
Joey Bailey
Asher Dewhurst
Heather Plunkett
Alistair Hamilton
Kevin D. Tessier
Amber Collins
Douglas LaTourette

DRINK TO ME IN DEATH:
Kevin Kolodziej
Revenant
Anastasia Moreno
Philip Gelatt
Jenna Abts
Heather Baker
wadledo
Oscar Wiberg
Matt
Martin Young

HEAD SHOTS:
Thorsten Schubert
Adam Stevens
David Schmitz
Charles Bateson
Ed Kiernan

ZOMBIE HONEYMOON:
Team Lifer
j9 ardolino & charles zucker
Tim Milfull
Laurent Cupiidon
Tim Milfull
Liam Walker
Matt Mazur
James & Lisa Talbott
Krey Baumgartl
Tristan Taber
Noam Weiss
Cupiidon

PATIENT ZERO:
Joshua Bank

DEATH PANELS:
Jake Forbes

You backers came from around the world, from every state and continent. In alphabetical order, here are the countries you came from and a tiny sampling of representative zombie movies made there: Argentina (the “Plaga Zombie” series), Australia (“Undead”), Austria, Belgium (are the creatures in “The Pack” zombies?), Canada (all David Cronenberg’s movies, plus nearly every ‘American’ zombie movie is filmed there), the Czech Republic (“Frankenstein’s Army”), Denmark (“Opstandelsen/Resurrection”), Ecuador, Finland (“Dark Floors”), France (“Mutants,” “The Horde,” “The Returned,” etc.), Germany (“Rammbock”, etc.), Hong Kong (“Biozombie”, “Biocops”, etc.), Ireland (“Dead Meat”), Israel (does “World War Z” count?), Italy (Lucio Fulci, Umberto Lenzi, Lamberto Bava… I rest my case), Mexico (“Cemetery of Terror,” “Grave Robbers” etc.), the Netherlands, New Zealand (“Brain Dead”), Norway (“Dead Snow”), Japan (“Wild Zero,” “Versus,” etc.), Singapore, Spain (“REC”), Sweden (“Wither”), Switzerland, and the United Kingdom (“28 Days Later” and so many others). If I’ve forgotten an important zombie movie from your country, shout it out and let me know!

My extra special thanks to all those who helped on the back end of the project. My two big sources on zombie movies were Glenn Kay’s book “Zombie Movies” and Steven Shaw’s Watching the Dead, my #1 favorite zombie movie blog. My brother Brandon Thompson helped considerably with his detailed synopses of films I hadn’t seen. Too many friends to list gave me suggestions of books, comics, manga and video games to check out — you’re all great. A big thank-you to all the makeup artists and actors who worked on the Kickstarter video, “A Walk in the Park”: Tommy Barnes, Kristy Valenti, Ryan Allen, Kai Peter Chang, Patrick Chuang, Jonathan Ehrich, Brian T. Gaston, Kelly Owens, Trevor Patricelli, Amanda Vail Abts, Jenna Vail Abts, Beth Hammer and Margot Cannon. And especial thanks to the director of the video, Jumana Al Hashal, who was also the one to suggest that I might be able to make something out of my personal, hand-scribbled hobby of making flowchart maps of zombies. >_>

Lastly, since we made our >$10,000 stretch goal, there is the big question “What will the NEXT map be?” The truth is, the vote appears to be very close. I haven’t compiled all the data from the Kickstarter surveys yet, but I soon will, and you backers will be the first to know when I’ve figured out what it’s going to be. Robots? Aliens? Vampires? Different kinds of apocalypses? I’ve already started researching and preparing…

For all of you who are listed here, I’ll be emailing you soon to send you the PDF-map and the rest of your prizes! You’re all awesome!

NEXT COMIC UPDATE: Wednesday!