As I’ve mentioned now and then, lately I’ve been watching so many zombie movies the mind boggles. Often I’m only half-watching these, keeping them on in the background while I draw or cut out cards, but I’ve absorbed quite a few new ones lately.

Firstly: nearly every free streaming zombie movie available on Netflix is awful. Dear lord, they are terrible. “State of Emergency” and “Extinction” — both the absolute pits, just as bad as Uwe Boll’s “Zombie Massacre,” but less funny. Their would-be serious tone, when coupled with their empty scripts and micro-budget (apparently every zombie disaster must be filmed from within a ruined warehouse, an abandoned factory or some other conveniently empty rundown building where no one on Earth would ever go — filming in the suburbs or apartment buildings where people actually live would be too expensive), is somehow even more aggravating than the SyFy-channel bad-CG bombast of something like “Rise of the Zombies.” And the half-assed plots, like they were stories written by someone who’d heard of the existence of “28 Days Later” but never watched it, and besides they only had $50 to make the entire movie… I just want to kick the filmmakers in the back of the knees.

“The Battery” and “The Dead Outside,” by contrast, were boring, but needless to say, way better than films like the ones I just mentioned. They’re unapologetic character studies that just happen to be set in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. They’re both just so incredibly slow-paced. I suppose I like “The Dead Outside” better partly because there’s a female character in the cast and everyone has Scottish accents. -_-;; OTOH, “The Battery” is probably the slightly deeper of the two. Also, it does have the scene where a man masturbates while watching a zombie writhe around trying to get to him, so that’s original.

Then there’s all the ’80s garbage buried around on youtube — “The Video Dead” (like a home movie I could’ve made back then), “Toxic Zombies” (completely inept)… I’m sure I’ve glanced at several others but I can’t remember them offhand. Obviously I’m being masochistic here and have no one to blame but myself. “Dawn of the Mummy” (one of the only Egyptian horror films!) is a real classic in comparison.

Whew! So much complaining! It’s like I’m on the Internet or something! I’ll try to write some good things about some zombie movies (or books) in my next post.